Reclaiming My Voice, Becoming Me – A Befriending Dragons Story

In the mornings I search my closet to find the perfect outfit that shows I’m technical enough, I’m smart enough, I fit in. One day I wear a skirt, and my manager can’t seem to process it, I have gone outside his expectations. He flips to the script of “this is a woman, not a skilled computer expert who knows more about her area of expertise than almost anyone else in the world.” He can’t hold “woman” and “good at technical stuff” in his brain at the same time. His obviously confused comments about how nice I look deflate me all day, and that’s the last time I wear a skirt to work. Another day my manager comments that it’s great that I’ve brought some women candidates to interview for the open position on our team, but that we won’t lower the bar for them. As if the bar isn’t already shaped like a white man, with false proxies that exclude so many qualified people. When he finds out a coworker made disgusting, sexually explicit comments to me I overhear him say to a coworker that the bully can’t be blamed since he thought I had picked up the coworker I was walking with in a nearby bar. I move to a team that rarely interacts with customers, a team where I have no chance of encountering my old teammates. They have much more of an casual clothing vibe. When I wear my existing wardrobe, clothes from boutique stores, I get puzzled comments asking where am I going after work, is it someplace fancy? One of the few other women on the team comes over to tell me she’s glad I continue to dress up because it makes her feel less out of place when she wears similar clothes. What I think is “Why can’t I ever get it, ME, right?” Why can’t I fit in? Why are my dragon scales always too shiny or not shiny enough? Why is my roar always silenced? When did I lose my voice, when did I start spending so much emotional energy to walk a fine line between likable and competent? When did I give in to the bullies?

It was years before I realized my path to belonging & success became very narrow when I reported the worst bully, a sexual harasser, to my manager. The manager talked me out of reporting to HR. He encouraged me to silence myself, to keep quiet, all to keep my chance at a promotion. What I heard is that my voice doesn’t matter, or even worse my voice is destructive to my career. I didn’t realize then that my chance at a promotion was gone the moment I spoke up about the harasser, the bully, even in the privacy of one sympathetic person’s office. It was clear the so-called “brilliant jerk” who harassed me was just too valuable to the team, and I was not valuable enough. Instead of insisting I was as valuable, actually even more valuable because I wasn’t a bully, I took my dragon roar and internalized it as a silent scream. I looked around at the sea of men I worked with and saw what others thought tech looked like – not me. I tried to muffle my inner shrieks and focus on creating success by changing myself, ignoring my own brilliance and aptitude for the job. I just knew if I could make myself even more “one of the guys,” if I could suppress the “bad” aspects of my femininity, I could “win.” I could manage my way out of this by tightly controlling everything – myself, my voice, my manager, my coworkers, how much of myself I shared with my boyfriend. Only I couldn’t. I didn’t. The more I silenced myself, the more I changed my dragon roar into a silent scream, the more I lost myself.

I imagined myself as a solitary dragon, alone in my safe cave. As long as I kept people at a distance I could survive. I never even considered that I deserved to thrive instead. I nursed my internal wounds, mostly by minimizing and ignoring them. I imagined my loneliness as peaceful solitude. I hoarded my energy, my thoughts, my feelings. I told myself I was in control, I was exercising my power. I shape-shifted into a shadow of myself, a caricature. I closed all the gates around me to keep the bad things away, ignoring that I also kept the good things away. Like so many trauma victims, I internalized the bully’s actions as partially my own fault. I thought I could, must, change myself to avoid future bullies.

But that’s not the way the world works. Instead of looking at myself as a scary dragon, I can choose to see myself as a free agent in the world, a friendly dragon who can fly where I want, when I want, how I want. I know there’s the reality of the white patriarchy, a system that builds success bars shaped like a narrow subset of cishet white men. Because of my own privileges as a white-presenting woman with one parent who graduated from college, because of the perseverance and grit and pure luck that let me slide through the edges of the white patriarchy and accumulate some wealth, I have the freedom to put myself in another part of the world, a part where I can thrive. My dragon scales are just fine the way they are, and I choose how much, what kind of, light to shine on them, on myself. I can befriend this bully culture dragon, I can stop internalizing it and stop trying to fix myself. I can make my experience a friendly dragon. That jerk who bullied me, who was found guilty of sexually harassing me when I finally reported him to HR, doesn’t define me. I don’t have to change myself, I don’t have to become invisible and silent to people like him and the people who excuse his behavior. He behaved very badly, he committed verbal violence. The system at work tried to find the balance of action so that neither of us would sue or speak out too much. But they misjudged. I did speak out. I reclaimed my voice. I started to speak out about my experience, at first quietly in small groups. Then from a stage. Then directly to my new team. Then loudly for the world to hear. I left Microsoft without signing their confidentiality agreement, without letting them steal my voice once again in return for a few month’s pay.

I reclaimed my roar and ended my internal screaming. I befriended that dragon. I reclaimed my voice and my feminine side. I belong because I decide what that means for me. I choose to step away from patriarchy, the quest for perfection, whiteness, hierarchy, and conformity. I choose thrival, self-care, and relationship-based work.

I see myself as a beautiful, free, contradictory, powerful, wise, and confident dragon with a loud roar. I am ready to take on the world, to speak truth to power. I create my own path. I journey with women, we reclaim our voices, we move on to new, bigger lives after a bully tries to make us small. We nurture new paths, new cultures, new open gates where we can be ourselves, create success, and generate a sense of belonging in our cultures. We ROAR!

Why hire a coach?

What keeps you from hiring a coach?

People facing tough environments and difficult people at work often come looking for advice, but I’ve learned a coach gets you further, faster. Get curious about YOU, tell me what keeps you from thriving and schedule time with me now. #BefriendingDragons #WorkplaceThrival #Thrive #AntiBullying #AntiHarassment #Equity #Gender #Race

Watch: https://lnkd.in/gRTpgh-4
Tell me what keeps you from thrival: https://lnkd.in/g-Sefh9G
Schedule time with Cindy: https://lnkd.in/g4S7e2Yx

Land Acknowledgments

It’s becoming common to have “land acknowledgements” at justice focused gatherings. This is a way to recognize and respect Native peoples and their relationship with the land we colonizers stole from them. It also strengthens everyone’s relationship to nature, the lands we occupy, and the communities our dominant cultures often never take the time to see. Sometimes a land acknowledgement is simply asking people to name the traditional territory they reside on as part of their introduction, and sometimes it’s one person bringing a deeper discussion to the gathering. I delivered this land acknowledgement February 12, 2021 to a SheEO gathering. SheEO is a radically generous community supporting women + non-binary people working on the World’s To-Do List. It is an uplifting community for women + non-binary folks starting a social impact business and for anyone who supports social impact businesses through advice, caring, sponsorship, and funding.

Thank you for taking part in today’s land acknowledgement. I encourage those unfamiliar with the practice to learn more about why it is so important and incorporate it into your own communities. I encourage you to use one of the land maps such as https://native-land.ca/ to find what land you occupy, then visit those nations’ sites to get their thoughts on land acknowledgements and how we help each other thrive.

I am Cindy Gross. I reside in Issaquah, WA outside Seattle in the US – the stolen lands of the Duwamish and Coast Salish.

We, I, still benefit from institutions, including governments and schools, built on land stolen from indigenous folk, built with the labor of Black people ripped from their own indigenous homelands.

I am a descendant of both the colonizers and those they tried to destroy – the Lenape, now known as the Delaware, who greeted tired, starving travelers on America’s east coast, and welcomed them to this continent. Our society still suffers from the suppression of the matrilineal cultures of so many indigenous tribes, and we will grow and thrive when we reclaim more of those community focused traits we’ve coded as too feminine and therefore not valuable.

I am descended from the Lenape peoples, and I am a citizen of two Native nations. I know my legally defined blood quantum, but that doesn’t tell me which parts of my DNA are typically found in any specific Native population. DNA does not, cannot, indicate race, cultural connection, or citizenship. My tribal citizenship also doesn’t confer automatic cultural connections – I have few cultural touchstones with own my Native nations. It’s a complex situation – citizenship, DNA, lineage, and cultural connection are all distinct and often inappropriately mixed ways to talk about who is Native. The terms Native, or indigenous, or Indian are also problematic. If you know someone or are talking to or about someone who identifies as Native, use their terminology and where possible their specific Native affiliation.

Remember that native people are still here, still suffering from systemic oppression, and still loving, laughing, and thriving. Choose to honor them, don’t appropriate from them. Live by the idea of “Inspired Natives, not inspired by Natives.” Research when and where it’s appropriate for someone not a citizen of a given Native nation or tribe to use, buy, or wear Native items and imagery. My earrings today for example are made by Lakota artists and sold to support an Indian school. Honor the people behind the items and images you do use. Support Native owned and Native led businesses, community groups, and organizations such as the Navajo Water Project.

Thank you for pausing to SEE and LISTEN TO the Native folks around us.

My land acknowledgement is personal and action oriented. It acknowledges the past, sees Native peoples in the present, and envisions a more equitable future. Native peoples are still here. They are multi-dimensional, complex humans existing in countries that are often openly hostile to their existence as individuals and sovereign nations. This acknowledgement is specific and models good anti-racism practices. Where it was available and clear I used the language preferred by the people I refer to, even where it was inconsistent throughout my story. The bolded line above can be used as part of your introduction to any group – simple and straight-forward. Practice adding land acknowledgements and broaden what you know about Indigenous folks around you.

When Should White People Quote MLK?

When should white people quote Martin Luther King, Jr.?

I’ve heard many Black anti-racism advocates say the answer is somewhere between when we deeply understand how to not whitewash his quotes and never, ever, ever. So for any white folks reading this, here’s why we should follow this very reasonable request:

  1. Believe Black people when they tell us we’re harming them.
  2. White people tend to remember, love, and quote the words that let us feel comfortable, safe, and good about ourselves. We can do better and step into discomfort. Stop being performative allies. Move into taking actions that follow the lead of Black people, without forcing them into unwanted or underpaid work, while we white people do the hard work of dismantling the white supremacy we benefit from.
  3. Based on polls at the time, an overwhelming majority of white people absolutely hated MLK – until he was assassinated. Stop taking advantage of our distance from his resistance to whitewash his efforts, to undermine people fighting for justice today. Support Black people however they resist the white supremacy waters we swim in.
  4. There are so, so, so many Black folks out there worth quoting – put some effort into it and learn more about them. We, white people as a whole, are really lazy about learning anything beyond the incredibly whitewashed, male gaze, often totally WRONG history we learned in K-12.

I know, you want to REMEMBER MLK. By not quoting him people will forget about him. Bullshit. We’re not remembering the whole person, the resistance fighter, the dad, the husband in the way we, white people, quote him now. We’re erasing him and his legacy every time we whitewash his words and twist his message. We’re ignoring all the other Black folks who fought alongside him, all the Black folks who chose, who choose, to fight differently. We’re forgetting them and undermining their efforts. We can be better. Do the work. Listen to Black people. Follow their lead without exhausting them or giving them all the risk. Compensate them for the work they do. Yep, it’s hard. That’s what white supremacy does, it creates friction and rough edges and choppy waters. We as white people need to step into those choppy waters and build our anti-racism muscles, take up our share of the burden of changing the course of the white supremacy river.

White people have no excuse for saying “I didn’t know” or “I didn’t realize how bad it is” or “This isn’t The American Way.” We choose not to know. We choose to ignore the Black people who have been telling us they are harmed. It’s on us to listen, to stop making Black people perform their pain for us over and over. Accept that white supremacy pervades EVERYTHING and step up to create change within your scope of control. I guarantee you there are things happening at your neighborhood school, your place of worship, your workplace, and your community or hobby groups that uphold white supremacy. I guarantee you there are things you can do, quietly and with no reward or fanfare, which will chip away at that. White supremacy is EVERYWHERE so take any common practice and ask yourself HOW it upholds white supremacy. Ask that same question to get to deeper levels at least 5 times. Validate with Black people, without asking for their free labor or emotional energy, that what you want to do is useful. There are research papers and books and blog posts and YouTube videos of Black people telling you what they need in whatever scope of control you have. Quite possibly there’s an underfunded group or individual already doing that work – give them your money, your resources, your time, the clout that comes with your white privilege. Listen to them and do something about it.

“…there’s no one way for Black people to combat racism.”

“White people love to pull the same three MLK quotes out of their ass to try to silence Black people when they are feeling uncomfortable and you are whitewashing MLK’s message and taking his quote completely out of f*cking context to try to serve your purpose.”

“He did not like you guys.”

“Martin Luther King is dead. He is not here today because white people did not like him. Because white people use the exact same logic that they use today, on Martin Luther King. Y’all literally assassinated this man.”

“So do not come back today in 2017 and pretend like you were so supportive of Martin Luther King and that all of these ideologies were so great, was so wonderful, and that’s the right way to do things when ‘the right way to do things’ literally got him murdered.”

White People Are Banned From MLK – YouTube – Rebekah Hutson OnlyBlackGirl

“White people love Martin Luther King Jr.

For them, he is the standard-bearer for resistance while negotiating the minefield of white sensibilities. In the rewriting of history, King has been fashioned into an apologetic freedom fighter who carefully sidestepped white ire while pointing out inequality. They have cunningly backdated their admiration for King and the civil rights movement to prove that they have always stood on the side of justice.

It is bullshit.”

“King explicitly stated: “He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.””

From Most Hated to American Hero: The Whitewashing of Martin Luther King Jr. (theroot.com)Michael Harriot

“…because white people are who they are, they’ve decided to create their own version of that legacy. The white people version of MLK is the one we get in our history books and social studies lessons. But now there’s no longer an excuse to pretend to not know what he was truly saying.”

“Systemic racism is as American as apple pie, and Dr. King knew that. He spent much of his time trying to warn Black people on the true nature of not only this country, but the people with power.”

“…they’re so sure they know his beliefs that they’re actually arguing with his children on Twitter. Can you imagine telling someone’s children that they’re wrong about their parents’ beliefs? The caucasity of the internet is wild sometimes, but here we are.”

“White people, until you sit with all of MLK’s words, really sit with them, don’t you dare try and say you know what he meant. Or what actions he would approve (or disapprove) of. He was a man who wanted unity and peace, yes, but he also knew it comes at a cost, and that you’d need to f*ck shit up first to make any progress. If he was still alive, he’d be out there in the streets, marching with us. And don’t you forget it.”

Martin Luther King Quotes Are Being Highlighted By #ReclaimMLK (scarymommy.com)Sa’iyda Shabazz 👑🌈 (@xoxSai) / Twitter

Taming the Inbox Dragons

Befriending the dragons lounging on my pile of emails

It’s time for an inbox cleanse. I do this periodically, and it never lasts. I can get close to the coveted “inbox zero” for a few days, and then it creeps back up. I’ve tried tools and techniques and timers and rules…. And still several times this year I’ve had many thousands of emails in my inbox. I can just see my inner dragons settling comfortably on top of the hoard of emails, nestling in and getting comfortable.

Orange tabby cat lounging in a box
Zeke the dragon…. er… orange cat lounging in a box where he doesn’t belong.

So as a generative coach, how do I coach myself to deal with this? I’ll walk you through my internal dialogue and how I got to my current system where as I wrap up this workday I have only 3 emails in my inbox.

How do I feel when I look at my overflowing inbox?


What has worked for me in the past when I feel that way?

Break down the problem into smaller pieces and focus on the impact I want to have. Then I can choose the actions that lead to that impact. For email I’ve already set up a handful of inbox subfolders and rules to direct incoming emails to them and I frequently unsubscribe to newsletters. I overcommit by adding new things to my self-imposed “to do today” list even if I know I can’t get it done that day, and that list is a combo of my inbox, tasks I add to my calendar, and a piece of paper. Basically I’m using my inbox as a set of reminders.

What patterns do I see here?

This is interesting. I often repeat the pattern that discomfort is my comfort zone. I also still get caught in the corporate mindset that I need to have an overfull plate to be taken seriously. Even deeper though, it comes down to a fear of both failure and success. If I focus on the most important things, then my fledgling business is out there in the wild, and I don’t know what will happen. Will people want to work with me? Will I be able to sustain the business both from a personal energy perspective and financially? If it’s successful then…. what? Lots of unknowns that are scary for a whole variety of reasons. Basically having those emails sitting there in my inbox lets me use them as an excuse to avoid dealing with my feelings and to have an excuse for going slow.

What keeps me from taking my next step forward?

As I go through the older emails I am revisiting my past. I’m reminding myself of the missed opportunities, the events I planned to go to and forgot about, the people I didn’t connect with, the idea I did nothing with. The successes were filed away, the failures await me.

And the newsletters, there are so many. This feels like superficial community building, a way to show support, learn from others, and identify potential partners – but it’s not any of those things if I don’t engage beyond subscribing. It scatters my focus and leaves me grasping at shiny objects, just like a dragon adding every bauble in sight to its hoard.

What first step will I take to move forward?

Start with a clean slate. Create a sustainable framework to deal with new calls for my attention, in this case incoming emails.

Will I commit to creating and implementing this framework today? What do I get out of that?

Yes. This will help me stay future-focused and be more intentional in how, how fast, and where to move forward. I’ll focus my internal dragons on my dreams.

My inbox framework

  1. Move all 2000+ inbox emails to a new subfolder under my inbox called __CleanMeUpNow.
    • I thought it would take me weeks or months to go through the cleanup folder, but in a few hours spread over three days I went from well over 2000 emails to around 150. I sorted by who they were from and deleted many of them in chunks. Many got filed, many more got deleted. I utilized a bunch of “unsubscribe” links.
    • About a week later I went through every remaining email in the cleanup folder and I’m down to 34. All of them are ideas for creating content like this blog, people I want to connect with, or business building ideas. In other words it’s useful to have that information, and I’ll decide later if there’s another way I want to track those ideas. I don’t have to do it all today.
  2. Deal with new emails a few times throughout the day. Yes, I know some frameworks have other opinions on how often to read new emails. This is what works for me.
    • Reply or schedule or file.
    • Ruthlessly unsubscribe. If I find I resist unsubscribing, see how I feel about creating a rule to move it to the “to read” folder that never gets read. Hey, don’t laugh. It works. If I need to ponder more, move it to the cleanup folder. I’m surprised how rarely I need to park emails in the cleanup folder
    • Post business or partnership ideas to my business notebook in OneNote and file or delete the email.
    • Give myself 15-30 minutes max at the end of the day to get my inbox to fit on a single screen, about 8-10 emails. I just checked my inbox and realized I had tasks on my calendar to verify two of them are complete by next week (I’m waiting on others) and filed those. That leaves me with one email to address tomorrow!

This is so exciting. I feel lighter and energized! What gets in your way and how will you move forward?

I hope you enjoy this latest Befriending Dragons nugget! Check out my coaching programs and individual sessions. I love to make new connections – please schedule a 15-30 meeting if something I said here resonates with you.

The Dragons of November – Newsletter #2020.11

Happy November to all my fabulous Dragon Friends. Welcome to my introductory Befriending Dragons newsletter!

Nov 3, 2020 Meetup

Money Un-Tabooed Podcast – Financial Impact of Harassment

Progressive Voters Guide

Remotely Biased – A Befriending Dragons Story

Humaaans generated image of a dark skinned woman in a blue skirt and long sleeve top facing left and walking quickly with arms outstretched.
Embrace anti-bias in remote work

Last week @VeniKunche tweeted asking for “remote work” tips for managers. I immediately replied with a whole string of tips that reduce bias. Veni said, hey, blog that. And I thought, sure, that’s easy. And yet here it is, days later, and I hadn’t written much more than a paragraph until I accepted Amy Cuddy’s invite to Quarantine Writing Hour. I can literally feel the anxiety sitting in my chest, aching. Folks, this is what it’s like to work during a crisis, personal or global. It’s not because I’m remote, it’s not because no one is watching over my shoulder with an eye to punish lowered productivity. It’s because we’re stressed, we’re worried about family and friends and the future of the world, we are fidgety, we miss our community, we are overwhelmed. Luckily I’m not feeling sick, but many are and without sufficient testing we don’t know who actually has COVID-19.

Some of us have done remote work for a while, some are completely new to the experience. As the need to maintain “social distance” grows with the spread of COVID-19 there are fountains of advice on the practical aspects of how to work remotely. But what about the social justice and leadership aspects? How do we keep bias and bullying from creeping into every aspect of working remotely? How does this impact various folks differently? How do we take advantage of this social disruption to drive positive changes into our workplace, changes that could linger long after the novel Coronavirus is under control?

The reasons it took me so long to write this story are the same reasons we can’t expect high productivity out of people working from home right now. It’s not the working from home part. It’s the stress of working in an unfamiliar environment, underprepared, while we’re worried about everything. Many folks have unfamiliar, inadequate equipment in a home where they may also be caregivers for other stressed out folks. There may not be enough devices, internet bandwidth, or “included” data for everyone to work and learn at once. We may not have physical or emotional safety.


“You can be rich in spirit, kindness, love and all those things that you can’t put a dollar sign on.” — Dolly Parton

Change causes stress. Even when we’re able to use stress to push us forward, it can still negatively impact our lives. So prioritize kindness over niceness and politeness.

Center the folks most marginalized on your team, and do all you can to uplift them even if means making other folks uncomfortable when you point out bias. Don’t tolerate COVID-19 jokes, insensitive comments that trivialize the danger to the most marginalized, or point blame at Asian people. Practice now how you will reply to anyone making ableist, racist, or sexist comments.

Where’s the bias?

“The defining question is whether the discrimination is creating equity or inequity. If discrimination is creating equity, then it is antiracist. If discrimination is creating inequity, then it is racist.” — Ibram X. Kendi, How to Be an Antiracist

Well, women and people of color are much more likely to be caregiving than white men are, and that takes time and energy. We’re crowded into unfamiliar situations where we have to navigate all sorts of family dynamics that we’re not used to, and typically that will fall mostly to one person, using up their already limited energy. As somebody living alone with my cats, I’m also going through this chaos because I’m fielding calls and messages from friends and family with problems they need help with, things I may or may not be able to help them with. I get really stressed when I can’t help people who need me! I’m constantly bombarded with news snippets and feeling compelled to dig deeper, because my curiosity is always in the forefront of my actions and there’s so much new, vital, literally life or death information ALL THE TIME. That makes us less productive – don’t penalize that right now!

Women, especially BIPOC, are more likely to be cooped up for days on end with an abuser, to have lower savings (hey, pay gap!), to be expected to deal with everyone else’s stress, to rely on a community that is now less available, and all those other inequities we’ve been talking about and doing so little to actual address.

When we’re stressed or short on time we fall back on deeply embedded patterns, and that means we rely more on stereotypes and bias. We have to be very intentional to pay attention to this and compensate for the bias that will ALWAYS creep in.

The Tweets aka the Advice

I’m going to make this ultra-simple on myself, I’m going to paste below my replies to Veni’s tweet. I welcome comments and questions.

Cindy Gross (she/her) #BefriendingDragons@CindyGross This is for university professors but it could be adapted to workplaces. Be flexible, lower expectations (folks are scared, sick, overwhelmed, facing change), put family and health 1st, things will get messed up – expect it and don’t punish it, be kind. https://anygoodthing.com/2020/03/12/please-do-a-bad-job-of-putting-your-courses-online/

Some of your employees are going to spend a whole lot of time in enforced close proximity to their abuser. Some are the abuser, perhaps triggered by stress and frustration. Be kind.

Not everyone has enough bandwidth, may face a datacap. They may not have great, fast devices at home, may have to share one pc. They may have many folks in the house streaming classes, meetings, large files. Keep your emails and optional files simple & small.

Folks react differently to isolation. Offer but don’t force virtual coffees, open “water cooler” zoom calls where people can come & go, gracious space questions for folks to reflect on how they are creating success in chaos with a focus on finding the ways they are doing great.

Put on your anti-bias hat. Don’t over-reward the folks who over deliver during this time. They will be disproportionately white men because that’s how our white patriarchy is set up. Statistically men have more flexible schedules & fewer child/elder care duties.

All sorts of biases will be exaggerated as everyone is under pressure, managers have to be extra careful to be great allies. Ppl who aren’t white may not always code switch at home the way they do at work. You may see more of their authentic self – reward this, don’t punish it.

Remember at review/reward/promo time that this virus has disrupted the year. Highlight & reward folks who build strong relationships, strong containers, strong stakeholder outreach. A lot of “soft skills” that ppl who aren’t white men have to develop to survive can be showcased.

Change is everywhere right now, fill the cracks with anti-bias. This is hard work, but may actually be easier since disruption is already on full swing. Rebuild with anti-bullying and anti-bias.

Managers, now is the time to bring in folks like Veni or me or any of the myriad of anti-bias, pro-belonging, pro-DEI folks to take hold of this disruption in work life and come out the other side stronger. #BefriendingDragons

And some tweets from other threads


Be kind. Center the most marginalized over the most powerful. Be anti-bullying, anti-harassment, anti-racist, & anti-sexist.

Going forward, allow more folks to work from home regularly without penalty. This disproportionately helps folks with disabilities and those who are caregivers. It builds trust and refocuses everyone on the work. It’s good business, good for your employees, and good for the environment.

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world. - Fred Rogers
Look for the helpers – Fred Rogers

Pledge to really work hard to address the bias head-on in your next round of reviews and/or rewards. Don’t reward productivity in and of itself. Reward those who help others through this, who build and nurture relationships, who reduce other people’s stress and tension. Those people are the true leaders.

Want receipts on these bias factors? Search on terms like:

Check out my Befriending Dragons reading list if you want to dig deeper.

Be kind, lean into checking your biases, and reflect on how to thrive during this stressful time.

Befriending Dragons Happy Hour

I have so many thoughts and ideas about where my passion will lead me next. I haven’t yet settled on any one thing for a new career, so I went back to the basics. Listen. Listen to my community. I envision my community as marginalized people in tech. So I have started a meetup group where we can get together and talk. Where we can listen to each other. Where we help each other. Join me and let’s go on this journey to our futures together.

#DatesWithDragons in the snow

A gathering place for people forging new paths after harassment at work.

This is a safe space – no hate speech, bullying, harassment, or discrimination is tolerated. We value input from a variety of identities and will center the views, needs, and decisions of those who are not cishet white men.

I’m a 50 year old white woman leaving the tech world. As I talk about the harassment, bullying, and discrimination I’ve faced over the years other women open up about their own experiences. So many of us have no place to talk to others with the same experiences. Let’s share our stories, our growth, our pain and joy. This is a place to talk about surviving and thriving, about careers, family, friends, life, work, play, and about disrupting the white patriarchy to nurture a new way of doing things.


Befriending Dragons | #Words4Justice

Today is my last official day at Microsoft.

I no longer feel safe, comfortable, or valued working in tech. Going forward I’ll be working to actively disrupt tech culture and systems to reduce harassment and discrimination. Keep an eye on #Words4Justice. 😊

Be kind. Be brave. Go beyond ally to accomplice to actively disrupt bullying and discrimination.

@cindygross | @SQLCindy #Words4Justice

My experiences

Shared Experiences Meetup

Windows Hyper-V Dragon

After all these years soaring through the data world, from SQL Server 1.11 all the way through today’s modern Big Data technologies, I am making a flight adjustment. My next adventure will be in the land of the Windows Hypervisor: Hyper-V. Last week I started working with my new team and I am already learning to corral and wieldGreenFlyingDragon a whole new world of acronyms, technologies, and scenarios. As a software engineer on the quality team I’ll help define and implement test scenarios that lead to better customer experiences across multiple products.

I won’t be leaving data behind! This new role has a lot of data aspects and of course the hypervisor underlies many of the world’s data systems! It’s been great working with the #SQLFamily over the years and I look forward to continuing to work with you all!

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